I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
