I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I think I won the penis lottery.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
bring money and cleavage
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
