Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
