I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
