The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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