Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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