last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
