I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
