I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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