Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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