Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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