The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
