I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
