its not stalking. its research.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
