Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
