so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
