I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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