I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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