She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
