I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I think I won the penis lottery.
this beer tastes like vomit already
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at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
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i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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