Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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