yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
