i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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