Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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