I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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