I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
