I've blown a few things in my day
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
