Christians are straight up FREAKS
She is in my trunk
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
