I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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