Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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