Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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