Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
