last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
