Where are you?
In a non slutty way
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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