Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
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