You work out of a Hotel?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
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