I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
