its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
