it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
