she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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