Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
