I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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