I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
