I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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