Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
