we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
