You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
