trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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