All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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