Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
