I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
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So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
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A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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