matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
