i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
