if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
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