Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
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she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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