Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
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