Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
