Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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