I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Randomize
