Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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