My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
