I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
