All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
